Dear Landlords of America,

I write to you to inform you of repeated dire mistakes in your judgment, which are preventing responsible tenants from living a life of joy and fulfillment.

Several of you (mine included) have a 'pet policy,' which only allows pets under 25lbs. On top of this injustice, you demand a ponderous sum of money, commonly known as 'the pet deposit.' And may I direct your attention to the fact no one demands a 'children deposit,' when toddlers are quite often unduly more destructive than a Great Dane.

Now, about this weight limit. All I seem to hear is, "Yeah, pets are fine...except big dogs! I mean I want my house to stay intact! Wouldn't you?" Yes, sir, I do want the house to stay intact because I happen to live there with all my valuable possessions. Possessions in which I refuse to be piddled on and chewed!

For some unknown reason, landlords seem to create a schema in their brains, which connect "big" with "destructive." When, in reality, this is just not the case. Smaller dogs (commonly known as 'little shits') contain smaller bladders than their larger contemporaries, and must pee a whole lot more often. Since their pee cups are so small, they tend to just urinate wherever whenever they see fit, making them difficult to house train. In addition, most larger dogs have less energy and more intelligence than that little Yorkie in the window.

So when I say I want a German Shepherd or an Australian Shepherd, by god, I should not encounter the hindrances that I do with landlords! Stop being ignorant, and look up the damn dog breed for Christ's sake! Google works wonders, and I think you'll find the internet will open your mind so your tenants, who are paying you 1400 dollars a month and living in a COMPLETELY no carpet, all wood flooring house, will finally enjoy their home properly.

Love,

That girl who lives at 298 Coming

Dear Newspapers,

It's time.

It's time for a remodeling, and I think your failure in the current economic crisis is definite evidence for such a need. You may think people are merely too poor to keep buying 21 cents worth of fine printed media, but you'd be wrong.

In reality, the world hates you. Hates your flimsy gargantuan pages, which are impossible to read unless you have a 25 foot long table. Hates your dull gray pages and cheap black ink, which soils our fingers with every turn of the page. Hates your persistent reporting of terrible happenings in the world. If you wrote about rainbow eating puppydogs instead of suicide bombings, I'd be more inclined to continue the full article.

OKAY! I GET IT! The US is STILL in a war with Iraq and Afghanistan! The world is STILL suffering monetary troubles! The Chinese STILL refuse to help Darfur! Let's move on from this wretched negativity, shall we?

Where are the disco-dancing party bears? Where are the gumdrop buttons and candy canes? Where is your dignity!

So I say to you New York Times, Washington Post, and USA Today: change your format and coverage immediately or an angry mob will soon be at your doorstep, demanding good news and decent paper construction.

Love,

That girl who had to follow Russian articles everyday for 3 months

Dear Understandably So,

Let me count the ways I disappoint thee.

1. I SUCK AT LIFE LIKE WHOA.

That pretty much sums it up why I haven't posted in about a gajillion billion years. I am formally apologizing to you, blog, and I hope that you can search within the deep recesses of your pixelated heart to forgive me.

I know I was cheating on you with that CofC admissions blog, but I swear she means nothing to me! NOTHING! If you'll take me back, I'll never desert you again.

Love,

That lady who has to juggle bowling balls, while writing Shakespearean sonnets